Every Kyle Gordon song ranked worst to best

 

Internet comedian Kyle Gordon has shown in the past couple years that he’s a surprisingly good musician. As of today, he’s released two albums’ worth of songs that parody various music genres, with the majority of them showing a keen knowledge and appreciation for them. But which of his songs are the best?

This ranking is based on how the songs work as parodies of certain genres and as actual songs, and whether they function as both at once.

Honorable Mention: “Myrtle Beach”

This collaboration with fellow comedy musicians OCT appears to be a parody of artists like Pitbull and Robin Thicke, particularly their output in the early 2010s, and is advertised as “divorced dad pop.”

The song describes four divorcees who are coping with losing custody of their kids to their remarried exes by spending Labor Day weekend at the titular South Carolina city. Gordon’s voice adopts a playful grit layered with harmonies that works to great effect to complement the simple yet danceable beat. 

18. “Crucial Life Lessons for Young Children”

This children’s music parody medley is ultimately so forgettable that its parent album frames it as a radio commercial break between actual songs. With so little space for the interlude to fill, the micro-songs performed by Michael Nice are so on-the-nose with their satire that they could not be enjoyed outside of the full album.  

17. “Ugliest Girl on the Beach”

This song has the same problems of lacking lyrical subtlety as “Crucial Life Lessons,” but this has the benefit of being a full-fledged song.

A parody of bossa nova and jazz, the music captures the easygoing nature of smooth jazz while incorporating bossa nova percussion. The main issues lie with the lyrics, wherein Antonio Frankfurt bluntly declares he is so horny that he’ll overlook someone’s overexaggerated flaws, despite listing them out in excruciating detail.

16. “I Love Cheating on My Wife”

Satirizing the blue-eyed soul of the early 1970s, this ballad by the Polyesters details the sexual exploits of a married man who got hitched for one of the worst reasons. The contrast between the sincere backing vocals and the annoying lead vocals, which evoke the Doobie Brothers, is hilarious.

More so than the previous two songs, it seems that the unsubtle songwriting is part of the joke rather than making the joke fall flat.

15. “Satan Will Molest You”

This song takes things a step further and deliberately presents itself as unsubtle to drive home how it roasts God-fearing religious songs. If you ask Reverend Elmer Sunday if something is a sin, he’ll tell you pretty much anything is to a sparse guitar riff and repetitive drumming.

Both he and the song as a whole serve as the antithesis to Michael Nice and “Crucial Life Lessons,” showing Gordon’s growth as a parody songwriter.

14. “Girls Are the Best”

A parody of country pop artists like Shania Twain, Martina McBride and Jo Dee Messina, this girlboss anthem is misandrist in a really funny way. 

The empty platitudes and noncommittal commentary come quick and fast, with gratuitous patriotism topping it off. Tanya McCabe’s twang is convincing and the guitar-heavy instrumentation is fidelitous to the genre.

13. “I Love My Boyfriend”

While serving as a parody of 2000s singer/songwriters like Corinne Bailey Rae and Anna Nalick, it differs in the specifics of its subject matter. 

While artists like them sang the praises of love interests who were sensitive, attentive and kind no matter their stature, Maleesa Heartsleeve makes it clear with a lovey-dovey tone that her boyfriend is just huge and that their height difference matters most to her. The standout lyric is when she calls him the Gaston to her Malibu Belle, as a positive.

12. “My Life (is the Worst Life Ever)”

This parody of emo and pop punk features the insufferable lead vocalist of Our Wounded Courtship painting himself as a tortured soul in a broken world, yet never letting the music speak for itself. 

The verse lyrics are surprisingly convincing, combining the sadness of emo with the brashness of pop punk. The music also replicates the latter genre’s fast-paced energy.

11. “Girl of the Heart”

This one’s interesting. Initially intended as the follow-up to “Planet of the Bass” by DJ Crazy Times, it was later retconned into an italo disco pastiche by Giovanni Ice.

The lyrics retain the nonsensical nature of foreign disco, but add in a new sense of romanticism. The forceful pop percussion fits the production, which piles on layers of harmonies that echo throughout and are particularly reminiscent of “Never Ending Story.”

10. “Ooh My Boy”

As Felonious, Gordon nails sterilized 2000s hip hop in a disturbingly convincing way. Clearly riffing on collaborations like “What’s Luv?” and “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems,” Felonious contradicts his duet partner’s romantic loyalty with misogynist bars that prove he is not relationship material in the slightest. 

What adds to the joke immensely is the fact that it’s presented as a “clean version,” with many lines “cut off” to comedic effect. The superfluous product placement at the end helps too.

9. “My Husband’s Ghost”

Interestingly, Gordon gives frequent collaborator Chrissi Poland the spotlight here, as she puts passion into her vocal portrayal of horny widow Arabella DeFury.

Utilizing the backdrop of Christmas, Gordon and Poland take aim at power balladeers like Bonnie Tyler, Meat Loaf and Céline Dion by weaving a tale about a woman who goes to great lengths to be in bed with her late husband again, eventually succeeding in summoning him for that sole purpose. The lyrics also imply Arabella is a terrible mother, describing her burning the family’s Christmas presents in blind pursuit of this conquest.

8. “Every 1950s Rock n’ Roll Song”

Also known as “Marry That Girl,” this song scathingly riffs on Jerry Lee Lewis, who indeed married his 13-year-old first cousin as an adult. The track is short but sweet, wasting no time to fit in all the conventions of 1950s rock and roll. 

Johnny Tornado sounds like he’s physically shaking in this recording and proves to be a volatile manchild through lyrics threatening to kill his young wife’s father. But it’s not the most violent of Gordon’s parodies.

7. “Wanderin’”

Credited to Brody Hardison, this song takes the genre name “outlaw country” extremely literally.

A fast-tempoed combination of acoustic guitar, electric guitar and drums soundtrack the tale of a foul-mouthed murderer who’s skipped town, served jail time and been killed and resurrected, all multiple times. The vocals nail both the twang and the grit better than “Girls Are the Best” does.

6. “When Will College End…Never”

It’s crazy how well this song nails the specific niche combination of dance, pop, rap and rock carved out by groups like 3OH!3 and Hollywood Undead in the early 2010s. It also nails the cringe factor that made people who were there want to leave them behind.

The lyrics describe a college rager where frat bros like Pen Stilla are passing drinks, weed and girlfriends to each other like they’re no big deal. It’s evident from the get-go that for these guys, there’s not much going on in their brains other than movie references and avoidance of the biggest questions in life.

5. “Crawl to Me”

Taking on nu metal under the Stool Sample moniker, Gordon combines the aesthetic of Limp Bizkit with the middle-fingered attitude of early Linkin Park to great effect. 

Listeners wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between this and actual nu metal thanks to its hypermasculine lyrics and constant record scratching. It clears the polluted air, however, with a repeated sample of Bill Clinton’s statement during the Monica Lewinsky scandal that has no real place closing it out.

4. “The Irish Drinking Song”

A lovely jig in terms of sound, especially with the added ambiance of a crowded pub, this song delivers exactly what it promises on the tin, and it’s one that bar crawlers could easily sing along with.

The Gammy Fluthers pull out gang vocals and a story that’s surprisingly not about a bar brawl, but rather a deliberate and gruesome murder of an Englishman that the lead Gammy Fluther committed. Not to worry, though, as he assures the listener that this is abnormal behavior for him.

3. “Selekta”

Parodying UK garage rap, it mostly takes shots at the unintelligible rapping, but the lyrics, shockingly enough, aren’t all nonsense. They tell an actual narrative that makes it clear Albie Wobble should not be messed with. Hell, maybe this is a prequel to “The Irish Drinking Song,” though that would spell out an unhappy ending for Albie.

The chorus by Trixie B – aka Audrey Trullinger – provides a fun contrast while keeping in line with the verses, and the remix verse from Sidequest adds some texture.

2. “Planet of the Bass”

The one that started it all still holds up as one of the best Kyle Gordon parodies. Musically, it pulls from ‘80s and ‘90s Europop, particularly Aqua and Darude, generating a very danceable, yet also easygoing beat.

The lyrics riff on the often-nonsensical wordplay European songwriters employ to make English songs sound better. Unlike ABBA and Max Martin before them, DJ Crazy Times and Ms. Bijiana Electronica only occasionally find moments of conventional wisdom, but sound beautiful regardless. The golden one-liners here will make this infinitely memorable.

1. “We Will Never Die”

With 2010s indie folk pop being the first truly niche genre Gordon decided to parody, he somehow made a stomp-clapper indistinguishable from even the most well-known Lumineers or Edward Sharpe cuts. But the best part is that it’s way more enjoyable to listen to.

With his Broken Hearts band backing him up, Kody Redwing spouts buzzwords and platitudes about seizing the night and living like there’s no tomorrow in a way that makes the listener sick to their stomach that they believe him. All the signifiers of the genre are in here somewhere, from banjo to Mumford & Sons-style gang vocals to emphatically saccharine vocal delivery from Gordon.

There’s a reason Kody has become one of Gordon’s most enduring characters, reaching even beyond his own social media. It was incredibly smart on Gordon’s part to make this, as it hits directly on his target audience, who most likely grew up hearing American Authors and Foster the People on the radio, present company included.